Thursday, October 11, 2007

The Ultimate Death of Onstar

This happened to us en route to Santa Fe last week. It was a pretty normal road trip day, with the exception of one thing…instead of me being on the phone non-stop, it was MLH. He was pre-planning a fracture stimulation on a well, and as such, was in non-stop coordination mode. Our cell phone coverage had been rather spotty, so at times, we had to resort to using our On-Star phone.

Here’s a sample call:

Onstar: Brinnnnaleep! Onstar Ready.

MLH: Dial.

Onstar: Number please.

MLH: 9
Onstar hears and says: 9
MLH: 5
Onstar hears and says: 3
MLH: Clear
Onstar hears and says: 8
MLH: Clear

Onstar disconnects.
MLH and I look at each other – me, exasperated, him laughing.

MLH hits the white button again.
Onstar: “Brinnnnaleep! Onstar Ready.”
MLH: Dial
Janie: snicker
Onstar hears and says: Directory

MLH hits the white button again.
Onstar: Brinnnnaleep! Onstar Ready.
This time, I take the turn.
Janie: Dial
MLH: harrumph (clearing throat)
Onstar hears and says: Storing number?

Janie: Clear
Janie: Dial
MLH: repeats “harrumph” before dissolving into laughter
Onstar hears and says: Number please.
Janie, in a short, staccato, angry voice: 9
Onstar hears and says: 9
Janie: 7
Onstar hears and says 7
Janie: 2
Onstar hears and says: 4
Janie: clear
Onstar hears and says: clear
Janie: 2
Onstar hears and says: 2

I finish enunciating the number successfully and the call initates…only to go to that person’s voice mail. Really.

Janie: I quit.

Onstar hears and says: Gotcha – nanny, nanny, pooh, pooh! Oh, yeah…you have 10 minute units remaining. To purchase more, please push the Onstar Blue Button.

Where’s Ba Doozie’s knife? I feel a stabbing urge coming on.

Onstar hears and says: Calling Ba Doozie. No number stored. Knives are illegal.

Well, Brinnnnaleep, my butt.

8 comments:

Tricia said...

So what exactly would you be stabbing? Your rear-view mirror?

Geo said...

I don't have onstar, but my built in GPS system understand me just as poorly. Maybe it's the road noise.

Anonymous said...

... bhwahahaa.... I can definitely identify with the stabbing urge!...

Eric

Janie said...

Tricia - busted. I am so busted.

George - either the road noise, or I just don't have the timbre of voice that Onstar comprendes.

Eric - do you have Onstar, as well?

buffalodickdy said...

I had complimentary ONstar on a company lease car once. I called it once- by accident (I'm a guy, and there were buttons on the rear view mirror that I hadn't seen before-so I pushed "em!) A dial tone comes out of the radio, and then informs me I had just called ONstar. Guy answers "How can I help you?" I asked him how to turn this off, he did, and I never touched it again!

sandykessler said...

OMG Remember blood pressure

Janie said...

Buffalodickdy - Onstar is a good thing, sometimes, as in an emergency. However, it does have its' downfalls. Thanks for stopping by!

Sandy - I'm too tired to have blood pressure. (Did I mean to say that?;))

Bleu said...

It's easy .... just randomly call out numbers, let it call and whoever answers ask them to call who you were going to call and pass on a message to call you back ... lol