Monday, October 15, 2007

May the Bird of Paradise Fly Up...My Nose?

At lunch, I had a rather intense meeting. All went well, and my customers and I were walking back out to my car so I could deliver them to their offices. It was around 1:10 p.m., and our talk had been rather extended. As I was walking down the sidewalk to my car, I remember taking a deep breath and exhaling quietly (a great stress reducer).

My next breath was a shocker.

A huge insect flew up my nose. (Well, at least, I thought it was huge. It felt huge.)

My thoughts were, in the following order:


(1) This didn’t just happen to me, did it?
(2) How can I handle this in a graceful manner?


I unlocked my truck doors, diving for the Kleenex box. I start blowing my nose as gracefully as possible. Nothing happens.

I confess what has happened to my customers. They laugh. I don’t.

Customer 1: “We had two lost time incidents last month due to insects flying into people’s ears. On one of them, the doctor couldn’t ever find one of the insects, but the employee swore that insect was still in his ear.”

Me: “Well, dude, this insect is still in my nose, too. I can feel it!”

I deliver them to their respective offices, all the while trying to eject the insect from its randomly chosen perch, somewhere up my nose. I drive to the post office. I’m pretty calm, believing that what I feel is just the “sensation” that something foreign has been in my nose, and that with all that blowing, it has to be, by now, (a) dead and (b) expelled.

I go into the post office, and am immediately confronted with a honking huge line of waiting patrons. I join the line, and start sneezing. No, I didn’t take any Kleenex in with me…stupid, huh? Everybody’s blessing me, and I’m thinking , “If y’all only knew. How am I going to handle this? What if whatever this is inches its way up into my brain?”

I get through the 14 minute line, handle my business, and go back out to my truck. I grab the Kleenex, and give it one more college try, and…Voila! At approximately 1:50 p.m., I delivered some type of flying ant type thing, STILL FREAKIN' ALIVE, with wings almost ½” long. And no, I didn’t weigh it, or name it, or take a photo of it. This is the only evidence of the birth certificate you’ll see. And, it is now dead. It will NOT fly up anyone else's nose. I made sure. I promise.

But... Holy Snot, Batman.

19 comments:

sandykessler said...

I see a sitcom in the making and would like to be your agent !!

cherie said...

Only you Janie, only you.....
Feeling your angst but LOL to the max! It could have been worse - at least you were not at lunch and it landed in someone's food!!!

Pam said...

Thank you for taking care of the "dispatching" of said insect. One less that will bug me. So glad it didn't decide to vacate during the post office visit. Why is it that I have everything known to man that MIGHT be needed in my purse, but can NEVER find a kleenex when I need one?

Wazah Bellwether said...

Was pondering if the HONKIN' remark was an experience the humans had upon hearing you or the insect caught in the traffic jam of your nasal passages. Poor little fella, (or gal) "How'd I end up in this HONKIN' cave? Earth quake, hurricane winds, sounds like??? Momma bug didn't warn me about flyin' up human noses!!? Only bzzzzzz, Me, darn!!!" Like, Honkin' Jane. I got tears.

In_spired said...

What a story! The birth...and death...of a flying ant(?)

so funny!!

scotte said...

ha ha that is too funny glad your okay, another use for those shooting earplugs maybe????

Karen said...

Oh dear Lord. I read, I laughed. Too funny. Just the story for this Monday night!

Janie said...

Sandy - I'm open to offers!

Cherie - glad I can make you laugh, girl!

Pam - no problem. Janie the bug eradicator deluxe. Or bug vacuum cleaner...or...you get the drill.

Wazah - at this point, I have absolutely zero zilch nada compassion for that bug. At all. I know, I probably need deliverance!;)

In_Spired, I know. I just can't make this stuff up!

Scott - my custom fit earplugs WILL NOT fit in my nose, sir!! ;)

Karen - hey, girlie! I'm just here to serve. Glad to help you out on a Monday night!

SpookyRach said...

Oh gosh! I'm laughing too. And my nose is starting to itch...

Lone Chatelaine said...

Omg! That sounds like something that would happen to me, except I wouldn't have been anywhere near as calm as you were. I wouldn't have liked it if people laughed either.

Reminds me of the time I walked out of a Starbucks in Kansas City and a bird flying overhead pooped on my coffee cup. My co-workers were hysterical. I was teed off. I needed that expresso really bad that morning.

Janie said...

Rach - I know, huh? It is funny.

Chatelaine - girl! Now that's a story you need to write. I mean, what are the odds of that happening?

May the bird of paradise poop in your expresso???

little david said...

Haaaaaaaaahaha! not to laugh directly at your misery, but thanks so much for relating this story! It has been a tedious day and that livened things up! Really, I am just amazed that you could walk around with that critter up your nose and not absolutely freak out. Gives me the shivers to think about it.

Janie said...

Little David - I'm glad I made your day....that will give you something to act out in "improv" if you do that!! Anyway, glad you enjoyed the story...

jonboy said...

Too funny. But in the midst of your customers laughing at you, did you make the sale? (Or at least increase your profit margin).

Janie said...

Jonboy....but, of course! I am a consummate salesperson, kind sir!

Geo said...

Janie, you get into the darnedest fixes!

Janie said...

I'm telling you, George, it's never boring around here! Thanks for stopping by!

Panhandle Poet said...

Now that'snot your ordinary event! It does make a good story though.

Janie said...

Poet - did you mean to say that snot your ordinary event?

That's funny!