Southerner Speak

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:

Clean skin...A winning smile...That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:

"Yes, ma'am.""Yes, sir.""Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :"

"Y'all come back!""Well, bless your heart.""Drop by when you can.""How's your Momma?"

Southern women know their summer weather report:

HumidityHumidityHumidity…or:
108 degrees
117 degrees, no rain in forecast

Southern women know their vacation spots:

The beach...The rivuh...The crick...The Riviera

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:

Colorful hi-heel sandals...Strapless sun dresses...Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:

Honey...Darlin'...Shugah...Bud

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:

Fried Green Tomatoes...Driving Miss Daisy...Steel Magnolias...Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:

Baptist...Methodist...Baseball...Basketball...Football...Huntin'

Southern women know their country breakfasts:

Red-eye gravy...Grits...Eggs...Country ham...Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

Chawl'stn... S'vanah...Foat Wuth...N'awlins...Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:

Men in uniform...Men in tuxedos...Men in Wranglers, Stetsons, and boots...Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:

The Mall...The Country Club...The Beauty Salon...Neiman Marcus

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:

Having bad hair and nails...Having bad manners...Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table...

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece.." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ...... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southerneese as a second language!

And for those who are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!

Now...... Shugah, share this with someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!

And if you're a Northern transplant, bless your little pea picken heart, it’s okay to fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could!

Janie and Jilly Do Mansfield - Part 1

I promised, so here it be...the Jill and Janie Chronicles, Chapter 1.

(Who really talks like that? I mean, the “here it be” part?)

I called Jill, she of Jill Jill Bo Bill fame, Wednesday sometime. We had discussed me leaving Midland around 2 p.m., so as to miss the Fort Worth traffic and still get to Mansfield, our designated special meeting place. She told me it was halfway. (I beg to differ. My odometer says I trucked almost 350 miles. I think the Jilly-girl logged 90, up and back. Heifer.) We decided I’d call when I got to Weatherford, then she’d leave her house and head my way.

I really tried to leave Midland at 2 p.m....but it just didn’t work. Sometime right after lunch I found out we have a field trial this coming weekend, so I had to make last minute arrangements to take Zack the Wonder Dog to the trainer so he could rack up some practice before I came back home. I got packed, loaded him up, left the house...and there had been a wreck at the end of my street. I think 400 cars were diverted right in front of my house. I finally pulled out, got about 2 miles out of town, and realized I’d left Zack’s special food, and his medicine. Can’t have my Wonderdog getting sick on me! So, I turned around, going another way to miss the wreck. I missed the wreck, all right, but drove upon two more fender benders that had happened within the diverted traffic.

I swear, this stuff only happens to me. In Midland, no less. In a 30 mph neighborhood.

I finally got back home, loaded everything up, and headed to Big Spring to drop the Zackster off. He was SO excited, pacing up and down the seats in my truck, that dog knew Exactly.Where.He.Was.Going and that it meant “Hunting, Mom! Hunting! Hunting!” He is so funny.

And, I headed down the road. I think I left Big Spring at 3:30 p.m. I am freaking out, thinking I am going to be way late getting to Jill. We’ve had many a late night telephone conversation, but we’ve never met in person. I’m very excited - I know we’re going to have fun, finally!! LaToya the Sequoia and I put the pedal to the medal and drive about 83 all the way...and I beat Jill to our meeting place...’cause that’s how I rock, ya know.

I walk in to Johnny Carino’s, and she’s not yet there. I get a table, and wait. And wait. And wait.

Okay, I’m lying. She got there in like 5 minutes.

I had told Jill I was slobbing out in a t-shirt and sweats. No makeup. Not even any earrings. Hair screaming. Looking my very best for my hot internet date. You know what that heifer said? “Oh, me too! I’m wearing sweats. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Who cares what we look like?”

What a liar.

Jill glides in the door, beautiful, cute vest, all blinged up, hair cute as a button, perfect Texas Big Hair. And yeah, she’s got on sweats...velour ones. She’s probably going to call “What Not To Wear” on me, and y’all are going to get to see all my bad fashion diseases.

Heifer. (Have I told you I love this Jilly girl?)

Jill and I started talking, and it was like we’d known each other forever, and were just meeting for a meal(which I don’t even remember eating. I swear.). We can’t wait for ThoseMenWeLove to meet each other - we just know they’ll get along great! And if these same men ever get sick simultaneously, we’re going to lock them together in the same house so they can figure out how much men whine when they have the Man Cold. And we will go thrift store shopping. That’ll show them!

The managers kicked us out of the restaurant, I went to my hotel, and Jilly drove home - and called me when she got there so I wouldn’t worry about her.

Destiny, bloggers, destiny. It could happen to you! You just have to have the “want to” and the patience to wait on people who are perpetually late, like me.

Jill, thanks for your patience, chica. I’ll be back in town in a couple of weeks - like February the 10th or so. The famous Rebecca is going to cut my hair, and she’ll be serving margaritas and wine. Be there or be square! Now, quit showing your boob, heifer! Here's a better picture of us. Jill's the one on the left. Do you like my extensions?

To be continued sometime in February...

Over in Santa Fe

I’m stupid.

I was supposed to leave this morning for Santa Fe, NM. That was my intent.

However, I woke up at 7:45 a.m. My intent (I’m full of that crap, aren’t I?) was to be at the cleaners at 7 a.m., come home, pack, take the dogs to the kennel, and leave. By 10 a.m. at the latest.

The best laid plans of mice and Janie. All shot to heck because I decided to work this morning until 1:35 a.m. And then I went home.

Well, decided to work is probably incorrect. Realized I’d not done my expenses in 2 months and figured I better get them done. In reality, received a rude phone call from American Express Corporate Card and decided I’d best get in compliance before I got my whole company cut off from utilizing their credit cards.

So busy girl too dang busy to do her expense accounts e-mails her boss, in a totally subservient and contrite manner, after completing 2 months worth of expense reports. At 1:30 in the morning.

Um. Oh, Jamison, oh, greatest boss in the world, oh man of much wisdom who always takes care of everything for me…

Amex cut me off today. At least they called me so I wasn’t embarrassed too badly – well, except when NMOGA called me and my card was declined. I put it on my personal to save face. Gotta love that.

And now, my expenses are officially caught up. Sorry I let them get behind. Can you get them (#1) paid asap and (#2) my Amex turned back on?

I have been SOOOOO busy but you know that. There’s no excuse. Please forgive me and don’t take it out of my bonus – or better yet, my driving allowance. I know you have compassion for a busy girl who keeps putting off doing her expenses…didn’t the same thing happen to you recently?

(I wouldn’t be so busy if I.didn’t.have.to.(insert rant about a situation).) (I didn’t say that. I didn’t. I didn’t. Oh, yes I did.)

Ahem.

Anyway, God willing, it won’t happen again.

I’m off to Santa Fe, boss. Have a good dove hunting trip and think about me while you’re blapping those poor defenseless dove.

You didn’t e-mail that to your boss, Janie.

Oh, yes, I did.

And to his credit, he’s not responded. At all.

Hell. I might be fired.

Nah.

Anyway, back to my story.

I was tired. I overslept. Then I had to run all sorts of errands.

Go to the cleaners. Go back to the office and print off the insurance card for my new Sequoia. Which by the way I freakin’ love. Then, called Baby Brother Scott, because, all of a sudden, I HAD to see him before I left town. I picked him up, then we dropped by the house and unloaded the truck full of cleaning. We loaded up the dogs and took them to the kennel, where I felt like a mom dropping her kindergartner off on the first day. Except Zack and Zanna didn’t cry, they just went. With someone else. Sob. Sniff. Howl.

Okay. So, then, Scott and I went to eat lunch. It’s now 12:30 p.m., and lunch lasted an hour or so. We had fun. I’m glad I took the time to be with him. And, he bought! Yeah! (Just teasing, Scott.)

So, I go home. No, I didn’t. I still had to run more errands. Got those done, then went home.
Started trying to pack. I think I took everything out of my closet. I was just stuck! Formal wear. Jeans and shooting stuff for the sporting clay tournament. Pairing items together. Jeans and dressy jackets for that downtown Santa Fe look while shopping. The.right.shoes.for.every.little.outfit. (Guys, don’t check out on me here.)

I get to that certain point.

You know, the one where you need a second opinion?

Cherie to the rescue! It’s now 5:30 p.m. Bob and Cherie go get sandwiches, and come over to help. Cherie cheerleads me into getting it all done, packed, and in the truck. It’s now 8:00 p.m.-ish.

Yup. 8:00 p.m. I’m almost ready to leave for Santa Fe.

8:20 p.m. I finally leave for Santa Fe. A good 8 hour trip. Santa Fe. Where every single event I attend I will be attending without MLH. Everybody will have their spouse there, and I’m flying solo. I don’t even want to go without him. It’s a tradition, and I feel like I’m breaking it.

Drive, Janie. Drive.

I make it to Roswell, 211 miles away, where MLH tells me to stop and get a hotel. I’ve not slept since. I think I could have made it all the way to Santa Fe, but I didn’t want him to worry, and to be realistic, I need to sleep.

Instead, I’m writing this blog entry. Think I’m a little jacked on priorities today?

I think I’ll go start my October expenses. Then, leave for Santa Fe around 8 a.m.

Texas Time.
Yeah, right.

De-Snaking, Dallas, and Newsflash! Snooty and Bovines to meet the Heifers

Okay. It’s 11 p.m., Sunday night, and I just got in bed. It’s been another crazy weekend.

Saturday morning, I got up at 5 a.m. in order to go to the De-Snaking Clinic. Zack did his usual keeping the trainer between himself and the snake – man, is he one smart dog. And Zoie? Well, she did just as I thought she would…she planted her nosy little self right in the middle of that snake, not once, but twice, and got the shock of her life. She jumped about three feet in the air. (Now, remember, these snakes had their mouths sewn shut, so Zoie was completely safe…and the shock was a real one, administered by way of a shock collar.) But the negative reinforcement will make her associate the smell of the snake with the hurt of the collar, and she’ll hopefully go around the snake out in the field.
This is how a dog should look when it smells a snake...like it wants to be anywhere but there.




This is Zoie, almost right on top of snake #2. She's smelling it, but curiosity got the better of her, and she just had to go say, "Hi."


And here Zoie is again, close to being within striking distance of the snake, and she's totally unaware. The snake has an orange flag tied to it, to help identify where it is. (When it gets hot, the snakes start to move.) I think she may have left her "smarts" in Kansas. (Okay, not really, I do love her!) Well, up against Zack, she doesn't measure up in brain power. But Zack may be MIT material. Can dogs go to MIT?

I stayed at the clinic and worked registration until about 10 a.m., then ran home, got ready, and packed so MLH and I could catch the flight to Dallas. Pam O pulled a good one on her hubby, and successfully planned and executed his surprise 60th birthday party. We had a great time at the party; it was great to see everyone, and to meet people we’d only heard about. We then went to Doug and Karen’s to spend the night. We were pretty tired, so I went to bed, and I think Karen did the same. MLH and Doug, however, decided to taste test a bottle of Talisker 18 until about 3 or 4 a.m. this morning and inhale some Cubans. And the empty bottle was the first thing Karen showed me this morning. Those guys had taste tested it all! Well, at least they’re thorough!

We all went to breakfast at the Original House of Pancakes, then Karen and I did a little shopping while Doug and MLH worked in the backyard. MLH and I caught our flight home this evening, and arrived at our house right on the heels of Suzan, who is Zack and Zoie’s fairy godmother. It’s great to see her! Suzan and her husband just sold their house in Lubbock, and will soon be living in Pennsylvania. We’ll all be racking up air miles visiting each other – they’re such a big part of our lives. We’re going to miss them living so close to us!

And, tomorrow, if all goes as planned, I’m having lunch with, and meeting for the first time, Snooty and her visiting from afar bovine guests. I’m excited!! And Suzan will be with us, as well. We’re all a bunch of heifers* anyway (sorry, Fred, just deal with it) and I’m really looking forward to meeting Snooty! Flea may not recognize her “babees” when they come home – they’ve already been exposed to the oilpatch, and Snooty’s idea of golf, and now…they’re going to meet me. They may never be the same again!

*The term “heifer” in my family is not an insult, but a term of endearment, so no PIW** allowed.

**Panties in a wad

Fly-Away Shopping Spree

Talk about crazy…

Y’all know I hang out with guys all the time, at the house (Zoie and I are the only females), at work (ditto), and in play (not many females shoot and hunt). So, it’s a rare day indeed when I get to hang out with humans of the female persuasion.

My friend Rhonda and I cooked up a wild hair scheme to surprise Sarah (Rhonda’s daughter, who is living with us and working in Midland this summer) with a fly-away shopping day. Because Rhonda and Joe live about 75 miles away, a Saturday fly-away shopping spree means Rhonda had to come spend the night in Midland, so we could go catch our flight. Little Sarah was so excited when we told her!

Friday night, Sarah decided to surprise her Mom by baking a dessert. Sarah went to Walmart, found a neat cooking magazine, perused the recipes, selected one, went and purchased the ingredients, and …put the magazine back in the rack. I had to laugh at her. I mean, I know one can read and have a coffee at Barnes and Nobles, and put the magazines back, but, Walmart? She’s a resourceful one, is that Sarah!

Here’s Sarah and her “Fruit Pizza”. And, believe me, it was good!

And here she is again, looking a little fruity, herself. Isn't she a cutie?

Friday night, we girls went to eat Mexican food at Casita Gerardo’s, came home and had the Fruity Pizza, then went to the late movie – of course, a chick flick! We stayed out way too late to be catching an early flight, but that’s how we roll.

We flew out at 7:15 am Saturday morning. We had to be at the airport by 6:45 a.m., but traveled light – with only our purses. I needed another suitcase, so the plan was to purchase one on our shopping trip, fill it with our purchases, and check it on the return flight. Plan was executed as designed. We returned to Midland at 8:35pm Saturday night, and went to eat supper at Kuo’s Chinese Restaurant.

MLH came in about 11pm last night, so we visited until midnight, and went to breakfast this morning, then toured some of the garden stores. We had a good time, hanging out.

Rhonda and I found the Daily Makeover website this morning, so I took a picture of her so we could upload it and play with the different hairstyles.

Here’s Rhonda in her current hairstyle. I tried to upload some of the makeover hairstyles so y'all could see, but gave up.

We laughed until we cried at all the crazy results. It’s fun – go join, play with it, and figure out which hairstyle is good for you! (I know you gentlemen readers are jumping on that.)

I have to go take a nap now, exhausted, see ya later…have a blessed week!