I Cannot Make This Stuff Up

I’m going to be writing this in a delayed fashion, because...

1. I’m still in a little shock

2. I’m still returning voice mails and e-mails and that’s taking up huge portions of my day. People are pouring out love, though, and I thank you for all your sweet and straight up comments. I love you all!

So. It’s Wednesday morning. I woke up at 6 a.m., a little late for me. Zack the Wonderdog was snuggled under the covers next to ThatManILove. I stealthily crept into the TV room, popped open the Mac (another story in itself) and started returning e-mails. I worked on this hard for about an hour.

And then, I lay back down on the couch and crashed.

At 9:30 a.m., ThatManILove came in to the room, concerned that he woke up and I wasn’t by his side. He said, “Babe, your phone’s been ringing off the wall.”

He gave it to me, and, dang. The voice mail was full AGAIN - 14 messages, and 15 e-mails. He started laughing. And then, he said, “Well! I checked my phone, and I have two messages, and three e-mails.” I just looked at him. He said, “Well, okay, yeah...they’re from yesterday.”

He is so funny.

He asked me if I wanted to go eat breakfast somewhere. Did I? No. I wanted to bury my head under the covers, but I knew that I could not do that. I had to get busy.

We compromised. He offered to make me cinnamon toast...a comfort food that hails back to my youth.

So off he went to the kitchen, dogs in hot pursuit. I hear him banging around, and before long, I smell cinnamon and butter. Yummmm. In a second, though, I smell something burning, and I cry out to him. He quickly assures me he’s got it, and in a minute, he comes back into the TV room bearing cinnamon toast. His is burned, but mine is not.

He sits down by me, and grabs a piece of toast, and bites into it. Immediately, his face screws up. Something’s not right. He spits it out.

I say, “What’s wrong?”

He smells of it, then reaches out for my plate.

He says, and I kid you not, “I put salt on it instead of sugar.”

And off he goes to make the real thing. You think we’re turned a little sideways by all this job deal? ThatManILove is a gourmet cook, I swear. The dogs wouldn’t even eat it.

I laughed until I cried. I did. It's never boring around here.

Southerner Speak

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:

Clean skin...A winning smile...That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:

"Yes, ma'am.""Yes, sir.""Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :"

"Y'all come back!""Well, bless your heart.""Drop by when you can.""How's your Momma?"

Southern women know their summer weather report:

HumidityHumidityHumidity…or:
108 degrees
117 degrees, no rain in forecast

Southern women know their vacation spots:

The beach...The rivuh...The crick...The Riviera

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:

Colorful hi-heel sandals...Strapless sun dresses...Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:

Honey...Darlin'...Shugah...Bud

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:

Fried Green Tomatoes...Driving Miss Daisy...Steel Magnolias...Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:

Baptist...Methodist...Baseball...Basketball...Football...Huntin'

Southern women know their country breakfasts:

Red-eye gravy...Grits...Eggs...Country ham...Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

Chawl'stn... S'vanah...Foat Wuth...N'awlins...Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:

Men in uniform...Men in tuxedos...Men in Wranglers, Stetsons, and boots...Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:

The Mall...The Country Club...The Beauty Salon...Neiman Marcus

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:

Having bad hair and nails...Having bad manners...Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table...

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece.." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ...... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southerneese as a second language!

And for those who are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!

Now...... Shugah, share this with someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!

And if you're a Northern transplant, bless your little pea picken heart, it’s okay to fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could!

Ouch!!

I received this via e-mail, and it cracked me up.

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female: A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.

Now.  I must get up and get ready for my 6:15 a.m. breakfast date.  WTH was I thinking??