Fifty-Fifty Split

The Little Brother and his siblings came to spend the night on Friday. The Bowling For Kids Sake (a Big Brothers Big Sisters fundraiser) took place Saturday, and a sleepover sounded fun. Before the kids arrived, I decided I'd better go to the grocery store to stock them up on goodies. My friend Cherie was with me, so to the store we go.

We’re on the far east side of the store, when Cherie says, “Oh, no!”. I turn around, “What’s wrong?”

A young girl has passed Cherie, and though I don’t think she yet knows it, said girl is in quite the bind. Cherie says, “What do we do? We’ve got to stop her!” Janie to the rescue. I shove the cart at Cherie, and start fast walking behind troubled chick, trying to catch her without drawing any attention. Midway, I turn around to Cherie, and say, “Why don't I ever have my camera?”

Now, this girl is no small chick, and she’s got long legs to boot. She’s got on a knee length denim skirt, a long t-shirt, and flip flops. I can’t catch her. She’s talking on her phone, and her hands are full of merchandise. Doesn’t slow her down a bit. I finally catch up to her, on the west end of the store. She turns down the ice cream aisle. Right behind her is a family with two boys and the daddy. They’re looking at the eggs, thank God. I’ve got to catch her.

“Ma’am! Ma’am!” I quietly speak. She finally hears me, and looks at me. “You need to turn around. You’ve got a problem.” She says, “I’m on the phone.” Duh, right. Me: “I know. Ma’am, you need to turn around right now before you really get embarrassed. You’ve split your skirt, and ...ummm, as you know, you...ummmmm, aren’t wearing any underwear.”

She gets off the phone and freaks out. “How bad is it?” Me: “Well, it's split right down the middle, and if your hem and your waistband give, you’re going to be totally naked from the waist down, so I’d say on a scale from 1-10 you’re at a 9.999.” I take her things from her, and tell her to turn the skirt around where the slit is up the thigh. By this time, Cherie's caught up to us. We find a shopping bag to help cover the rest. She’s totally embarrassed, but Cherie and I reassure her that no one saw but us. We part ways and resume our shopping.

Man. It’s never boring around here.