Saturday, December 6, 2008

M.E.L.T.D.O.W.N.

I finally got in from the PA Wednesday night around 8:30ish. Count on good ol’ Crapinental to fly the friendly skies on their terms, which meant when I got to Houston, I had to literally haul buns to the basement to catch my plane to Midland. What was supposed to be a 1 ½ hr layover turned into a 20 minute run. The basement at Intercontinental is where the baby planes (Embrier) fly to small towns unknown. Sometimes, it’s unknown if you’re ever going to get there...I mean to those small towns unknown – like my town. When you fly the small planes, it’s a crapshoot if you’re going to make it to your destination on time and even, on the right day.

Remember, when I left the PA, it was ccccccooooollllldddd? I didn’t take a jacket, but had on a light warmup suit. The top happened to be a very thin fleece. I didn’t want to have to deal with a jacket when I hit 80 degree Midland.

But I forgot about humid, humid Houston.

By the time I left Terminal E and made it all the way through this hall and that hall to get to the train to go to Terminal B, I thought I was going to have a meltdown. And the minute you leave Terminal B and head down to the escalator to the HELL that is the basement of Terminal B, you enter yet another level of H.O.T. I couldn’t to this minute tell you if it was hormones, or heat generated by my sudden, lumbering dash with Canon and computer to the other side of the airport. I was so soaked with sweat I thought I was going to have to be treated for black mold. People, how do you live in that kind of humidity??? That stuff is CRAZY.

I get into the basement, and I look around. For once in my life, there is no one I know. It’s a miracle, I tell you. (At my last job, my fellow coworkers had a standing bet that if whoever traveled with me could get through any airport without me knowing someone, the pool would pay a collective $100. Noone ever collected. ) It’s a very good thing I saw no one I knew, because my straight hair is now plastered across my brow…and down my neck. It is SCREAMING. I sneak over to a corner, plug in my phone, melt into the plastic chair, grab my claim tickets and start fanning myself. Trying to look cool and collected, just placidly fanning myself prettily. Or at least as prettily as possible with big huge sweeping arm movements and heaving chest. The people around me look away, trying not to laugh, I swear to God. At least I wore deodorant today!

I drain what little water I have left in my always present travel bottle of Aquafina. I look around. There are zero concessions in the basement at Intercontinental. Zero. I am dying, I tell you. Dying. In a freaking flaming throwdown of hot flash.

And then they call my flight. I grab my phone, stuff everything in my bag, and go across the room. To the boarding door. Where, if at all possible, it is even more stuffy and overheated. There are about a million people there, waiting on their respective flights. Which, along with mine, are delayed due to weather. In other words, I got up, ran over to the door, for nothing. Nada. Zilch.

And up walks one of ThatManILove’s friends. Very successful nice man. We start talking. I’m trying to respond in a relatively intelligent manner. This is one of those guys that talks to you straight up. Total eye contact, and we’re all crammed together waiting to go down the walkway. I’m trying to pay attention and stay on task, but all I can think about is “do I have a sweatball hanging off the end of my nose?”

(Enter Gilda Radner doing the nasal voice of Roseanne Roseannadanna: “she had this little, teeny, tiny ball of sweat right here, hanging off the tip of her nose. It was just hanging there! It wouldn't fall off! Like if she turned her head, it wouldn't fall off. If she stood up it didn't fall off, if she stretched it wouldn't come off, and when she picked little pieces of her sweater out of her bellybutton it wouldn't fall off. That little sweat ball just wouldn't fall off. So I yelled at her, I said, "Hey, Doctor! Flick that sweat ball off your nose! What are you trying to do, make me sick?" )

Finally, we board the little plane. My man’s friend sits down in the plane. I tell him that he has my seat, and he looks a little confused, but moves over. I’m 5’ 7”. He’s probably 6’5”. Tight fit, what with his height and my bulk and the two seat row. He’s very gracious. We start talking business, and settle back to enjoy a great flight.

The stewardess comes around. It seems there is some confusion. She asks for my ticket. I find it, and give it to her. She says, “Ma’am, you’re in the wrong seat.” My new friend looks at me, then at the stewardess, then says,” actually, she has my seat. I am sitting in the wrong seat, as well.”

They all looked at me. And then the other young man, standing in the aisle with the stewardess, the young man who was prepared to take me down for the right seat – he looked at me, and this look of recognition washed over his face. He didn’t know me, but he knew something. You could just see it. And. He. Caved. He backs off, tells the stewardess it’s not a big deal, and decides to take the seat in front of me – my original seat, if I’d have just read the lay of the land correctly.

I’m wondering, “What happened? I would have changed seats with him, no problems.”

And then it hits me. He’s about Elder Son’s age.

Yup, he may be young, but he’s not stupid. He saw it - the tremors signaling the beginnings of a serious head rotation, and the green bile forming. " Reeeaaaaaaagggggggaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnn!”

Oh, yeah. He knows all about the Demon Menopause. And he had serious "I wanna live" written all over him.

29 comments:

Vodka Mom said...

oh jesus, that was SO damn funny!

AND, I have ALL Gilda memorized! loved her.....

Comedy Goddess said...

Airport marathon running should be an Olympic sport.

I am surprised that you can carry a bottle of anything through the airports. Maybe next time try something a little more soothing. That looks like water. But is more like 90proof.

Comedy Goddess said...

Zanna Montana is very cute! No way, your ears flap when you run? :O

Janie said...

Vodka Mom - I bet you can sound like Gilda, too!

Comedy Goddess - it was a carryover bottle of water from the previous flight.

But yeah. Demon Bodka woulda been better!

Janie said...

Comedy Goddess - how did you know? Oh, yeah. It's not my ears that flap when I run. It's those other pendulous appendages.

Lone Chatelaine said...

Ah-haahahahahah! Me and Nostar nearly sprayed our screens with coffee over this post, Janie! :)

I totally remember the airport hot flashes of my traveling days, and I totally remember that horrid Houston Intercontinental too. I remember hitting that basement and heat coming back from a drunken sales meeting in Vegas one time, and let me tell you that it's horrible going through that with a hangover.

I bet you're glad you're home.

Janie said...

Chatelaine - I'm glad to entertain you! Give NoStar a hug for me, and tell him to give you one back for me, too!

I hate IAH. Just sayin'.

jill jill bo bill said...

I am crying about your Roseann Roseannadanna. That was my FAVORITE and I say that thing all the time...So are we meeting Tuesday or what?

Janie said...

Jilly - not sure. When are you coming back? Oh, heck. I'll e-mail you. Or call you. In a minute!

Tricia said...

Ya know, given my limited choices, Continental has always been my preferred airline for flying home to Midland. I've always had luck with them...mostly on time, and when not on time, it's typically for good reasons (like ice on the runways in Midland Easter weekend...remember that?) I recently discovered that the restrictions for SWA/Love Field has been lifted, so for the first time since moving from Midland (in 1996), there's now a route from Detroit to Midland on Southwest as well! Yay!

Our last trip home (which was the aforementioned icy Easter weekend), we had to board from the bowels of Terminal B...not only that, but we had to load onto a bus to take us to the plane! Ridiculous. Oh, and I've done the run-like-hell-through-terminal-B, too...but with kids in tow!

I feel your pain. But to be feeling the heat and humidity of Houston would be sheer bliss right now.

Janie said...

Tricia - Texas misses you, girl.

C'mon home!

La Belette Rouge said...

It can be helpful to have a reserve of split pea soup just in case you need to spew on someone stopping you from getting what you want, need and should by all rights have.

I once was in the wrong row in the same eisle and the guy would not be cool about it. It wasn't like he was traveling with anyone. And, he had a very snooty accent and looked at me as if I had just stolen his personal property and said "get out of my seat." Well, snooty man had his hand firmly on the top of my seat. I said, "I will happily get up once you get your hands off of my pony tale." He recoiled in horror and then waited for me to get up.

If only I had some pre-menopausal green goo to spit at him. Damn!

Glad you survived your meltdown and that you are here to tell the tale.

Ann's Rants said...

LOL. Love your voice. Its not the heat it's that damn HUMIDITY isn't it. I'd rather be shiverin' than showerin' in my own sweat any day.

Zen Ventures said...

HA! He chose "life" in place of a seat! SMART kid! I'd do the same thing. Menopausal women are deadly!!! HA HA!!!

Valerie said...

I swear I heard Gilda Radner's voice while reading that. HILARIOUS!!! I love your blog!

Junosmom said...

Cool. Could you video that and put it up on YouTube. I'm getting to that age and I want to warn the kids to stay on my good side.

Far Side of Fifty said...

Oh I just hate it when the sweat pours off my back, and runs like a river through my boobs. Nothing worse that being that freaking hot:(

Pam said...

Janie, can you say progesterone cream? Truly helps with the flashing! Doesn't do squat for exertion however...remind me to tell you my Atlanta story sometime.

Keeper Of All Things said...

Funny...

Simplicity said...

LOL!! That actually sounds like my daughter's reactions to me when I overheat! I actually LIVE in one of those, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity" cities and I hate it!

My daughter knows the expression, "Then she pulled a Linda Blair" and treads carefully when I develop a deeper voice than usual if I'm upset!

Hope you're feeling a bit cooler today!!

nikkicrumpet said...

LOL...I laughed through the whole thing...haven't had my first hot flash yet...I'm hoping it doesn't occur in an airport! But if it does...I'm gonna hire you to write my post about it. VERY FUNNY STUFF!

Karen said...

As a woman in the same stage of life, I agree - the younger ones sense these things. My son is fond of looking at me after I suddenly fly off the handle over something and says, "mood swing, Mom?" Yeah. Cute.

Humidity? What humidity? Hey, it's good for the skin.

Sisiggy said...

Yeah. That "young man" look. Girls don't do it, just guys -- I think because it has something to do with "woman stuff" they don't like dealing with. My sons have that look perpetually.

Trouble is, I'm afraid the next step from that "young man look" is the young men looking for a good Home for Ma, in which case I'll have to slap them both into next Tuesday.

Gretchen said...

That's hysterical!! I remember those tiny plane rides when I was flying to NC to visit hubby on weekends. We called them Agony Air. :)

Know I'm thinking of you and give a call when you're back in my State. Would love to spend a day visiting.

Vodka Mom said...

psssssst. got ya something over at my place.

Snooty Primadona said...

I just posted a comment and it disappeared. Grrrr! Oh, and are we still on for lunch tomorrow? Can I come with Kleenex stuffed up my runny nose? It's really attractive, I promise. I also had a blog award for you yesterday. Better get it before it's gone...

amelia bedelia said...

OH my gosh, I laughed out loud!!

The Doozie said...

are they single? ARE THEY SINGLE FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD

Janie said...

La Belette Rouge - SPLIT PEA SOUP? That is priceless!

Ann - love what you said!

Zen Ventures - menopausal women are deadly!

Valerie - I loved Gilda Radner.

Junosmom - where were you with that cool video camera of yours?

Far Side of Fifty - "river through my boobs"....hilarious!

Pam - you know full well I do the cream. And the pills. And...;)
Well, in retrospect, I might have forgotten the night before to take all that stuff. Hmmmmmmm.

Keeper - you're funny! Are you calling me funny?

Simplicity - loved the "then she pulled a Linda Blair" bit!

Nikkicrumpet - I hope you get to bypass the hotflashes. Wouldn't wish that on anyone!!

Karen - your kiddo is WAY too smart!

Sisiggy - you're too funny!

Gretchen - I will call you next time, girl. I'd love to scam some photo tips from ya! You're sssoooooo good!

VodkaMom - heifer.

Snooty - get better girl, I don't want that stuff!

Amelia - thank you, ma'am. Of course, at the tender age of 40, you're probably not even there yet.

Doozie - you know, I forgot to ask! But yeah, probably!! ;)