Sunday, November 23, 2008


Tuesday at 5 p.m. found me feverishly driving home from the airport, where I had dropped off a co-worker. I ran to the house, changed clothes, loaded Zanna into Latoya the Sequoia, and drove to the dog park. I was trying to beat sundown. I made it! And Zanna found new friends, Winnie the Doberman Pinscher and Riggs the Red Heeler. Here, she's teaching them the game "That Dog Will Hunt."

Here, she's making them play Chase!

Before long, it was dark, and time for Zanna’s Pet Smart beginner training class. We left the park, and headed to Pet Smart. Zanna and I rocked the class, loaded back up, and headed back out to the airport to pick up Young Whippersnapper Salesman at 9 p.m.

I got to the airport a little early, and decided to pull into a parking lot so I might let Zanna out to do her business. As soon as I parked, my phone rang. Then, I took a second to make another call, to Pam and Mike. Pam was snoozing, so I talked to Mike.

(Time out for a related story.)

Earlier in the year when car shopping, I called ThatManILove. He has a severely dented in several places Ford Powerstroke. Big old 4-wheel-drive truck - the oilfield standby. I’m trying to get him to buy a new truck. Here’s how it went down:

Janie: Honey, you’ve got to buy the new Toyota Tundra. It hauls butt, has all the bells and whistles, and it has your name written all over it.

MLH: Why is that?

Janie: It has 360 Sonar.

MLH: What does that mean?

Janie: It’s a warning. It basically means that if you hit something, it’s because you have your head up your a$$ and can’t hear anything.

MLH: (Laughing) I’m hanging up now, you heifer. I haven’t hit anything in forever!

Janie: Just teasing, honey.

MLH: Seriously, the Tundra is good, huh?

Janie: Oh, yeah, baby…it is suhweet and you’ll love it.

(Related story over.)

Back at the airport. While visiting with Mike, my phone rang again, and it was Young Whippersnapper, saying he was waiting by baggage claim. I told him I’d be there in a minute. I put my truck in reverse to start out of the parking lot. (I was safe, I have Bluetooth. And…a reverse camera. And…360 Sonar. All of this will be very important in a minute.) I was backing up, telling him I’d pick him up at baggage claim, and…it sounds like Zanna has started throwing up in the back seat.

On my new, LaToya the Toyota Sequoia, beautiful soft leather gray back seat.

I’m still backing up. Trying to see what Zanna is doing. Not even looking in the rear-view camera. And my sonar isn’t going off.

And I hit a pole. Poor Young Whippersnapper Salesman, I don’t know what all curse words I said, but I’m sure he now thinks I need deliverance. I tell him I’ll be there shortly, switch back to Mike, and put my truck in park to go look at the damage. Now, Mike is hearing the story and finally, I tell him I have to go.

I want to throw up. La Toya the Sequoia has some scratches, and a small ding. Not too bad, and it could certainly have been worse. But still, I just knocked down 2000 miles on LaToya, and she’s already got an owie. And all I can hear is ThatManILove giving me grief once he finds out about it, especially after the afore-mentioned excerpt. He’s been gone so long, he’s not ever even met LaToya, much less driven this beautiful vehicle. And it’s already been through much – a spilled Starbucks Venti Chai, multiple Zanna throwups, and now this. Arrrrrrgh.

I head to the baggage claim, where I pick up Young Whippersnapper. He’s laughing, talking to his wife, about my dilemma. (I should cut his Christmas bonus for that one.) I leave him in the car, while I clean up Zanna’s mess.

We’re driving to the hotel, and Young Whippersnapper starts asking questions.

YW: I thought this car had 360 Sonar. Isn’t that what you harassed MLH about?

Janie: Yup. I guess I had my head up my a$$, because I sure didn’t hear it.

And then, I look at the dash. The light is not on. The Sonar button is turned off.

And my memory goes back to Starbucks – when I was in the drive-through line with the fellow coworker, en route to the airport, I turned it off, because of the incessant beeping when you get close to the pick-up window. And I had not turned it back on.

My bad.

MLH is going to crack up over this one.

(Update as of 8:35 p.m. - I read ThatManILove this post, he laughed until he cried. Then, he told me to tell y'all one thing: "Justice, baby, is served.")



Packsaddle said...

New SUV - check.

Dents and scratches - check.

Starbucks stained interior - check.

All you need now is a soccer ball sticker on your window.

Call me old-fashioned, but I still just look back when I'm in reverse.

scotte said...

Now does FIRST MOVE FORWARD make sense???? This is why you see all those trucks backed into parking places all over the patch. I do the same thing--thats why i put a solid steel tommy lift gate on my truck. You really have to be backing up to hurt the truck. Prob would not look right on Latoya.
LOL phorcut is your word verification word.

Janie said...

Pack - me, too. I still don't think I would have seen it.

Scott - thanks for the brotherly love, brother! I'm with you - I don't think a TommyLift would look worth a crap on my truck.

Call me - I have more stories...better yet, check your e-mail.

Snooty Primadona said...

This is precisely why I haven't gone hi-tech. You have to remember to use them as well as know how to operate them. Not exactly my forte'. So sorry Latoya got bruised up.

Stu Pidasso said...

That is tooo funny. In the 17 years since I was married had kids and been divorced; the only collisions EVER on my insurance were from the ex. My rates dropped like a led zeppelin when she hauled ass.

Gwynne said...

Ouch! Poor LaToya!!

Pam said...

Poor LaToya Sequoia! I mean, dog barf, chai tea, dings, what's a girl to do? But you know, Janie, if you make a judgment, i.e. the sonar and MLH, those things bite you on the butt! I'm just sayin.;) Love you!

Janie said...

Snooty - thanks, ma'am. When I get back from the PA we have to do lunch - we're waaaaaay behind!

Stu - glad I can make you laugh!

Gwynne - Thanks, girlfriend.

Pam - I know, girl, I know.

Junosmom said...

There needs to be a multi-tasking alarm on cars. Of course, mine would be going off all the time, driving me nuts, so like you, I'd have to disable it.

In_spired said...

Love your stories, Janie!! And you write them with such fervor! I would love to hear you tell one "in person". I'll bet your eyes flash and I can also see you waving your arms!! Move over Jeff Foxworthy!!

i beati said...

your life is better than any sitcom ...!!

Janie said...

Junosmom - we're probably more alike than you think. And you probably though you were normal.;)

In_spired - there's a big difference between myself and Jeff Foxworthy. He's rich. I'm not.
And he's skinny.

Enough said.

Janie said...

Sandy - think I could get a reality show?

nikkicrumpet said...

LOL....a very funny story...told in a very funny way. Loved it. I'm so glad you came to visit so that I could follow you home and read this!

Janie said...

Nikkicrumpet - thanks for coming by!

J'Ollie Primitives said...

The sound of a dog barfing would have had me going in a tailspin. EWWW. Sorry LaToya got banged up, did she get a giant band-aid?

Vodka Mom said...

Now THAT was damn funny, you heifer.