Sunday, November 16, 2008

Looking Back - Chapter 1

Yesterday, Bob and Cherie came by and we went to eat lunch. It was good to see them.

Afterwards, we went by our storage rooms to check them out and see if I could downsize, since I’d received my second rent increase in a year. One is full of construction supplies, and part of a woodworking shop that MLH has given to Bob. The decision was made to rent a trailer, and clean that one out, and take the wood and equipment to Bob and Cherie’s. Bob is an accomplished woodworker, so the equipment will be put to excellent use, and we will save rent on another storage unit.

While we were there, we opened the second storage unit, which is filled with the accumulation of combining houses, and closing a business. While we were there, I grabbed four boxes of pictures and journals. I thought it might be good to go through them, and scan them into a file. I went and bought a scanner, and started work on the pictures. I think I finished my first box after midnight.

It’s wild to look back. Elder Son is now 27 years old, nearing 28, and these pictures ranged from the wedding to his father, all the way to when Elder Son was 5 years old. I can see the change in his eyes and little face in the pictures before and after his dad and I split up, and it grieves me still. Even though some split-ups might be necessary, it seems the effects of divorce always manifest in the children.

I’m going to keep on scanning, and looking back at my life from way before then, to now. Thank God I kept a camera in my hand all my life from age 18 on. There has been, and will be more, some rejoicing, some laughing, some tears, and much repentance. This is probably a much needed step for me, and truthfully, I’m having to rope up to get it done. Y’all bear with me!


This is the after picture. Can you see the difference, the sobriety in his eyes? Arrrrrrrrrgh. It makes me die inside all over again. Thanks be to God for His grace, because I know I need it.

20 comments:

Travis Erwin said...

I'm sure you can see more in those eyes than the rest of us, but as a child of divorce I understand what you mean.

In_spired said...

*silence*

Terri aka Pepsi's Mom said...

Been there.....I totally get it......

Janie said...

Travis, In_Spired, Terri - thanks for your understanding.

Packsaddle said...

Life is the challenge, love is the solution.

Janie said...

That's right, Pack. That is SO right.

Lone Chatelaine said...

You're a good Mom, Janie. Your love made him ok.

*hugs*

Janie said...

That boy has lots of love, Chatelaine, from his daddy, grandparents, uncles and aunts, too. Thank God for that.

Thanks for the hug!

Library girl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Library girl said...

Hey Janie, that kind of thing is very cathartic for the soul. Yeah, divorce may not be ideal but it does happen and we kids heal. Hugs.

Janie said...

Library Girl - thanks, and I agree, the kids heal - Scott and I are kids of divorce, too.

Junosmom said...

Janie,
Hugs. All parents have regrets - those divorced and those not. Worrying back on things you could've done differently is the sign of a parent who loves deeply and cares.

Give yourself a break. We all do the best we can at the time with the information we have. God asks no more of us than that.

Janie said...

Junosmom - I know you'r right - thanks so much. When I saw that little face, though, I could see it.

Like Librarygirl said, it's probably cathartic that I'm going through all these pix.

It's all good.

Stu Pidasso said...

Wow. I just spent the weekend with my kids in College Station. two days, every two weeks, is hard on me. I can not even begin to imagine how hard it has been on them. But what can I do, I can't pretend they don't exist. I would give everything to undo THAT mistake. Fluck and double FLuck!! Hardest part is dropping them off on Sunday's at another man's house.

Anonymous said...

He still is as good looking as he always was, and sweet too....

Susanne said...

Your son was such a cutie pie when he was younger....I know it must be hard to go back and look at pictures. Al those memories good and bad come back. Sometimes I would often wonder "what if..." But you can't fix or change the what ifs.....
Being a divorced mom myself....my children were very young.
I'm thankful for the wonderful family and friends who have supported my children and I through the good times and the rough times.
love ya,
Susanne

Janie said...

Stu - I am proud of you for remaining a constant in your kiddos' lives. If there is one thing MLH did for Younger Son, he remained constant. And we are enjoying the fruits of that relationship every day - and they are good.

I know it's hard, but do not falter. You will reap rewards later.

Janie said...

Anonymous - some things never change! He's still a cutie.

Susanne - You've some beautiful children, yourself. And we have to remember that He is a Father to the fatherless. You're doing an awesome job raising the kiddos. We sure love them, and you!

Gwynne said...

So poignant, Janie. You're absolutely right about the kids...they suffer more than we know, but they can also grow up to be resilient and strong. As a child of divorce and step-mother to children of divorce, I've also seen both sides. It's not pretty, but God is the ultimate provider and we can rest in knowing that He is the Author of their lives. What wonderful memories you've preserved here.

Vodka Mom said...

wow. THAT was tough. He was adorable!!!