Thursday, February 25, 2010

Me and My Big Mouth...

Okay, here’s another hospital happening.
Remember when my brother and I were in the emergency room, waiting on my test results so they could take me into surgery for the emergency appendectomy?  How could you forget, you say?  That’s all I’ve been writing about?  Yeah, that day.
I found out there are rules for all the workers at the hospital.  Seriously.
Some of them are annoying.  Very, very annoying.  And before you say a freakin’ word, like there are reasons for rules, believe me, I know.   I didn’t get to this advanced age by always being a rebel without hitting some boundaries in my life.  But....I digress.
Every single caretaker that came into my room said something along the lines of “Hi, I’m Nurse Ratchet.  I’m here to take care of you.  What is your name?  (as they looked at my name tag).  And why are you here?  I was very polite, smiling as much as I could, because, you know, honey gets more stuff done that's how I rock.
Finally, my surgeon’s assistant, a pretty 4th year medical student named Laura, comes in.  I’ll call her Surgeon Laura.  (names and towns have been somewhat modified to somewhat protect the innocent.)
Surgeon Laura sits down by my bed, with my chart.  She’s all smiles, and bubbly, a beautiful young lady.  “Hello, I’m Surgeon Laura.  I’ll be assisting Dr. McDreamy during your surgery.  I understand you’re from Small Local Town.
I assure her I am.  Then she says (wait for it), “Why are you here?”
I turn my head towards her, somehow keep a straight face, and say, “I’m here for a sex change operation.”
Her face totally turns to stone, and she looks away.  I know, you’re thinking, “Oh, Janie - you did not.”  Yeah, I did.
I turn and look at my brother, and he’s about to bust a freakin’ gut.  I turn back to Surgeon Laura, and she’s still in shut down mode. ( Inside, I’m mad at myself - it’s obvious I’ve offended her.) Me and my big mouth.  I have a problem with that automatic zipper that should be installed in my mouth, oh, yes I do.  
I turn back to Surgeon Laura, and touch her arm.  I tell her I’m just kidding,  She finishes her interview, rather tersely, I might add, and gets up and leaves.  Soon after, I’m in the OR, and she’s teasing me about what I said, telling on me to Dr. McDreamy and the surgical team.
The next morning, at 6:30 a.m., she’s in my room, checking on me. Still about halfway drugged, I introduce her to ThatManILove, and tell him “she’s the one I embarrassed about the supposed sex change.”
Surgeon Laura stops me, and she’s smiling.  She said, "I  need to tell you why I shut down on you yesterday.  Last week, I was interning in a mental hospital, FROM YOUR SAME SMALL LOCAL TOWN, and I sat down by this person to admit them into surgery, and basically enacted the exact same scenario.”
Me:  Really?
SL:   Yes.  It really messed me up.
Me:  Why?
SL:  This person was schizophrenic, and it was one of the personalities talking to me, and it wasn’t joking!!!  It was a very uncomfortable situation.  After I figured out you were messing with me, I got a kick out of it.
Yeah, I can sure stick my foot in my mouth sometimes.  You can count on that. You can dang sure count on that.


Cactus Jack Splash said...

That is just too funny

♥ Braja said...

You hilariously troublesome woman. I thought you were going to tell us,though, that you woke up with a sex change operation cos they took you seriously :)))

Miss Emily said...

Oh, Janie, you are horrible!

Lmao :-)

My niece, the nursing student one, was recently doing her internship at the Memphis mental hospital. She had some similar stories to tell.

missy said...

oh my gosh!!!!!! waaaayyyyyyyyy funny!!!!!!
i have the same problem...keeping my lips zipped sometimes!!!!! but that is a funny story!!!! :)
have a great weekend!!!!

Snooty Primadona said...

Oh Janie, you didn't! Sadly, I laughed like a Hyena at this. Just the kind of thing I would have said. Sick minds have to kind of back each other up, LOL! But, I am the Queen of sticking one's foot in one's mouth...

i beati said...

only you Janie - this must all be in a book for your children a blog book perhaps??

Pam said...

Ooh, Janie, you are so bad! I can just envision all of this. When my Mom had surgery in September, I lost count of how many people asked her what she was having done...especially those who asked when she was in her room afterwards on the heavy drugs. Very proud of her for being able to remember those big medical terms even under the influence. Bet "Laura" will NEVER forget you!

Anonymous said...

Rules are most annoying, aren't they.. isn't that how they introduce themselves in restaurants too.

"Hello, I'm a 16 year old pizza pock scarred face punk and my name is Mario and I will be your waiter today".

Oh, get on with it, Mario!

The Blue Ridge Gal

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said...

I wish I was quick with funny shit like that. Nope, I think about it after the fact.

That was great.

Helena said...

Hey there! Nice to meet you! I came over from the recommendation of your friend Valerie at 'It's A Wonderful Life'! I really liked this post b/c I am also that way. I totally say things off the cuff, before thinking it through. Sometimes it works, and's a disaster! Anyway, I would like to give you a blog award b/c your blog is great!

♥ Braja said...

You ok Janie? You disappeared....

Junosmom said...

funny, Janie. I've not been by in awhile. Not much time for reading these days, but I do miss your wit.

Far Side of Fifty said...

Hey! I hope you are done street walking in that mall and feeling better! You must have really caused a ruckus in the hospital..running for Mayor and all!:)

SSP said...

so i finally decide to go catch up on blogs and you aren't even here?? whassup - get outta facebook and come back here :-) How is your scar??