The Jill and Janie Chronicles

I had a huge day yesterday, going from appointment to appointment to appointment (do y’all think I’m repeating myself? Just wait!) to lunch to another appointment, to yet another one (hey David, I’m so glad you didn’t have a pink thong waiting on me when I arrived at your office) to another meeting at the Los Colinas Country Club. Then, when my young whippersnapper salesman Rockstar dropped me off at my hotel at 7:30 p.m., I had yet another date. Yes, another chariot awaited me at the front door of my hotel – Pam and The Bearded One were there to take me for dessert and coffee. I know, I am so spoiled. We had fun!

All that to say…I’ve not yet had time to regale you with the story about my meeting with JillJillBoBill. So, shoot me! Feel free to go visit the heifer…she made me laugh this morning with her version of our fated meeting! Love ya, girlfriend.

I’m heading back to the West of Texas, where the sunsets freakin’ rock, the sand blows, the rattlesnakes are a daily occurrence, and the only trees are pumpjacks. In other words, I’ll be baaaaack! Brace yourselves, me hardies!

Oops! I Did It Again!

I’m a weenie. I took down the prior post, you know, the one about…never mind. Yes, that one. I called one of my friend/customers today in Dallas to make an appointment for tomorrow. This is how it went down.

Janie: Hey, David! This is Janie!

David: Hi, Janie, did you get home from the King Ranch? Did you enjoy it?

Janie: Yes, I’m home, and I had a good time. Did you talk to Rocky? No? How did you know?

David: I read your blog. You almost made me blush!

Janie: What? The hog story?

Oh, Lord, help me, no. Please no. Oh, yeah, baby. It hit me. He read the post inbetween the fish and the hog posts. My mind is racing (not a far walk!) and I’m thinking, “How does David know about my blog?” and quietly freaking out, trying to finish the conversation without losing my presence of mind.

I ease out of that conversation, and it hits me. I told his wife Susan about my blog, and gave her the address. She's really neat, and I though she might enjoy it. (So, hello, Susan and David! Thanks for reading my blog! I’ll try to not make you blush more than 1-2 times a week! But let’s keep it between us, huh? (wink, wink.))

Needless to say, the blog post has gone the way all impulsive blog posts should go…back to draft heaven. Say goodbye to that one! (As the rest of you breathe a sigh of relief!)

Next up? I'll give you a report of a fun meeting with JillJillBoBill, and when I get home from the Metroplex, continued stories and pix from the King Ranch Trip.

Happy trails ‘til then, loyal readers. I’ll do my best to not to embarrass you (or me!) anymore...but no promises!

Hog Hunting 101 - Or, Josh, That Hog's Gonna Kill You!

Disclaimer: Hog hunting is big sport. Hog hunting also helps the environment and the rancher. Hogs will flat tear up ranchland. Now, these aren't hogs that have been raised at a farm, though some started out that way. These are feral hogs, wild hogs. Some have Russian influence bred into them, and have tusks 4-5 inches long, and can range in weight from 100-1000 pounds. The feral hog can kill a man in no time. In other words, don't be calling SPCA or PETA on me for this post. Okay? Love ya.

The first afternoon at the King Ranch, the guide took everyone out to blinds to hog hunt. Since I can hunt hogs here at home anytime, I decided to take my camera and just take pictures. Some of my coworkers, it turns out, have never hog hunted. We were dropping people off, some one to a blind, some two to a blind. Ross, the guide, was coaching them all the way.

And two to a blind was the setup for the next scenario.

Josh and Dustin decided to go to the same blind. En route, Ross was giving them directions.

Ross: Shoot a young sow, preferably under 120 lbs. The meat will be better.

Josh and Dustin: Okay, no problem.

Ross: Since you’re both going to be in one blind, you might want to use the OneTwoThree shoot method, shooting at the same time. Once you shoot, those hogs are going to run and probably won't come back to the blind this afternoon.

Josh and Dustin: We can do that.

Around dusk, we start making our way back to the blind. We get to the blind, and see no one. Then, we see the guys walking around - Dustin has one of those headband lights on. They are looking for the second hog they shot - it’s hard to find, in the dark. We give up, and go back to the blind, where Hog #1 is laying.

Ross: Okay, that hog’s the perfect size. Only one thing. Where did y’all take your animal sex classing course? That hog’s a boar. And how many times did y’all shoot it? It is torn flat up!

Dustin and Josh are embarrassed. Ross, giving them grief, takes them through the processing guide, the hog is gutted, and placed in the back of the pickup. We drive around for a bit, looking for Hog #2. Finally, we give up, and head back to camp. The guys are recounting their adventure.

Ross takes a minute to explain where the best place is to shoot a hog (behind the ear) and gives the guys more pointers. We find out that neither of these guys have ever been hog hunting, which explains a lot.

We’ve not gone 2 miles when we run upon another herd of hogs.

Dustin: Can we shoot a hog?

Ross: Step out of the truck slowly, and load your guns quietly.

This takes so long, the hogs go back in the brush.

We drive again. We round the corner, another herd is road feeding. Ross stops the truck and tells the guys to get out, get ready, and shoot. They do so.

First rattle out of the box, Josh shoots that hog clean behind the ears. The hog drops. Ross and I look at each other in amazement. The boy definitely listened during his tutorial. The hog is in death throes, but not really going anywhere. Josh turns around and looks to us for advice.

Janie: Go cut the jugular.

Josh runs halfway to the hog, then yells to Dustin: Shoot it, Dustin!

Dustin shoots the hog.

Janie: Josh, take your knife and just go cut the jugular! Get it out of its misery!

Ross echoes my instructions.

Josh gives Dustin his rifle, and runs up to the hog. The man is adrenalined up!

And then, he takes out his handgun, and shoots the hog in the head. Not once, not twice, but thirteen times. He empties his clip in about two seconds. And then, he runs back to the truck.

Ross and I are bent over, laughing. I have tears rolling down my face, I can’t even breathe. We are both in shock. I look in front of the truck, and Dustin is laughing so hard, he has been forced to put down the rifles.

Josh, still 9-0 on adrenaline: That $%^&&* hog was gonna bite me!

Janie: No, he wasn’t! That was his body shutting down!

Josh: Yes, he was, he was going to bite me, I know it!

Janie, when I could talk: Dude. You should have just cut his throat, seriously.

They load the hog up into the truck, and we laugh all the way back to camp. I tease Josh.

Janie: Josh-man, your form sucked when you whipped that pistol out. No way did you do what you were taught today in the shooting school.

Josh: Oh, man. I didn’t think about that. I was shooting close to my feet, wasn’t I? Do you think my steel toed boots would have deflected one of those bullets?

Ross: Negatory, Night Rider.

Josh: (Silence. Dead silence.)

Lord have mercy, you cannot pay for stuff like this.

What the Heck is This $&%^&%*$(# Fish?

I’m back.

Well, at Houston Intercontinental Airport, anyway. Yup, in Terminal B. Waiting on the last flight to Midland.

I got to the rental car return, and my flight wasn’t posted. I was a scared girl. We’ve been keeping some late nights at the King Ranch, and coupled with the early mornings to go hunting and fishing, I’m TIRED. I had a great time! Y'all would have loved it. But, newsflash, joy of joys, I’m going to quit griping about Crapinental (today, for sure!), my flight is (supposedly) on time and not cancelled.

I decided to hop on the computer and give y’all one bit of trivia about this weekend.

This morning, I caught one of these and it scared the shit out of me, just saying. I thought, what kind of monster is that?

Do you know? I do now, but I’ll let y’all guess a bit. Whoever wins will get a King Ranch cap (brand new!).

More to come tomorrow, once I get home and download the multitude of awesome pictures.

I Am Loving Me Some Tom Bodett Tonight

Go figure.

Last night, we were booked into the Country Inn at Humble. By the Executive Assistant of our company, who, by all things that are holy, should know better. Janie, the queen of Hotel Rooms Extraordinaire, was not amused.

The parking lot? DARK. The room was d.i.r.t.y. Mold was growing up the tub, I kid you not. And, the straw that broke the poor camel’s back? The air conditioner did not work. And Houston, people, is FrenchSpanishIrish for freakin’ HUMID. (I’ve bitched about that before on this blog, I know.) I was on the third floor, so I opened my windows. Mistake, mistake, mistake. Two car alarms went off in the night, which only exacerbated my hormonally hot, sleepless, state. Women over a certain age cannot sleep in 75 degree rooms. (Men, if you don’t know that already, you need to seriously get a clue – it might extend your life a couple of years.)

On top of that, my DNA makeup was designed by the God of Straight Hair. Straight Hair, combined with humidity, equals Even Straighter Hair. Add that to a 75 degree room – no amount of Big Hair Hairspray is going to help. No Texas Big Hair for me today…

But tonight?

Tonight, one of my fellow salesmen booked the Days Inn in Robstown. I was secretly scared to death. Every time I’ve stayed at a Days Inn (maybe once in the last 15 years), it’s smelled like…never mind.

I just arrived. Tom Bodett left the light on for me. The desk clerk, Isabel? Smiling, professional, called us by our names, helped us out tremendously. The room? Spotless. The wireless? FREE. The bathroom? Again, spotless. Towels? Smell like DOWNY. No kidding.

Okay. Now, I’m going to sleep. I’m not even going to check your blogs, though I miss you dearly. I’ll catch up with you in a couple of days. For tomorrow, princes and princesses of my heart, I’m heading 30 minutes down the road to the King Ranch. I’m excited.

Y’all have a blessed Friday! Pictures and stories (I’m sure!) to come.

Oh, hell. I just remembered – Tom Bodett is Motel 6. Menopause – just another reason for forgetting stuff. Heh.

Just Another Day in the Life of That Janie Girl

It’s 10:36 p.m. Are you awake? I am. But I’m trying to wind down and go to sleep. Have a flight to catch to the big Houston in the morning, have to pack, all that stuff. Yes, off I go to Yet.Another.Meeting.

But this one has a twist. Meetings start at lunch tomorrow and will last until sometime Thursday after lunch. And then…

My fellow coworkers and I are going to the King Ranch. THE King Ranch. Yeah, That One. We’re going to shoot guns, go on a hog hunt, go quail hunting, and bay fishing. All paid for by my employer.

And yeah.

Once again, I’m the ONLY female going. In all my years selling in the Oilpatch, I've watched my male counterparts take customers to the King Ranch. Never have I been asked to go. I am so excited, just to see it. Believe me, it will be Have Camera Will Travel. Some of the World Trophy Bucks live forever on this ranch. And I'll get to see them!

ThatManILove isn't able to go, it's an employee only trip. He's more than a little jealous, but told me he would be mad if I declined the trip. He's such a sweetheart. That's why he's ThatManILove!

Have I told y’all I LOVE MY JOB?

Wide Awake

It’s 3:33 a.m.

I’m awake.

ThatManILove is still out in the field on a job.  I woke up, called him, he called me back.  He’ll be leaving location in the next 10 minutes or so.  Had to tell me all about the job, had questions, and my technical side kicked in.  Next thing I know, I’m trying to figure cement volumes in 4 1/2” pipe.  In my head.  And figure in the expansion properties of a certain type of cement.

Now I can’t sleep.

One of the reasons I left my old job was to get away from the 24 hour aspect of the oilfield.  I needed to get my life back, and that was but one of the factors.  I just forgot to factor in the part where ThatManILove still might get stuck on location from time to time.

I only have to get up in two more hours.  Yummy.