Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Voluntary Involuntary Hair Cut

Though I’ve not yet accepted any offers, one that is very attractive to me comes from a major company. The kind of company where you have to have a background check, fill out all sorts of pre-hire paperwork, and take a drug test within a certain time frame from receiving “the e-mail” from the HR department.


Over the past 2 days, I’ve been taking a minute here and there to fill out said forms. This morning, I went to the designated testing place to take the drug test. Said drug test consisted of a urine analysis, and a hair test. No problema, right?


I be-bopped in there, announced myself, and we got down to business. Sign a bunch of paperwork? Check. Give out all your life history and all your identifying numerals? Check. Urinalysis? Check. Hair test? Well, here’s how it went down.


Tester: Okay, Janie, we need you to sit in this nice fluffy chair here. And since I’m new, my supervisor is going to watch me cut your hair. You’re my first hair test!

Janie: (in a squeakly little voice) Okaaaaaaay.

Tester: Now, I don’t know if you knew this, but we have to take 120 strands of your hair, from the scalp down. It will just be little chunks.

Janie: What? Dude. My hair is so fine, it shows scissor marks. I was in Pennsylvania last week, my bangs were so long, I borrowed scissors and chipped them out. And then, I couldn’t sleep because I just know my hair stylist is going to jump me out because I cut my hair myself. But CHUNKS of my hair, 60 strands thick, at once? I might as well buy my casket!!!

Tester: Well, thank God you have hair. We could take it from your private parts.

Janie: Oh. Yeah. Ummmmm...well, okay. I guess my noggin will do.

Supervisor: Lift up the top layer of her hair.

Janie: Oh, wait, let me do it, please. Can I pick where the bald spots are going to be?

Supervisor: It’s not going to show, that bad. And if we don't get enough hair, they'll call you back in and we'll have to do it all over again.

Janie: (nervous) Oh, right.

Tester: Lift your hair up, Janie, let’s get this deal done.


And Tester begins to twist my hair into chunks. I could hear all 60 cuts of the first batch. Had to be a super dull pair of scissors.

Supervisor: That’s good, Tester. Now let’s grab the other bunch.

Janie: Ummm....could I please see a mirror?

Supervisor: You won’t even be able to tell, I promise.

Janie: I can’t see it, but I can feel the stubby little ends where you cut my hair!

Tester: Okay, let’s do the other side. (And he does.)


I take a picture of the clump, and send it to my potential employer plus a couple of his managers in an e-mail. Here’s how that e-mail traffic went down.


Me: The things I do for you...120 strands. You owe me a haircut, whether or not I take this job.

El Patron: I’ll cut your hair! You may look more like Joe and Bob, though! (Both are balding.)

Joe: I’d be in trouble if they needed 120 strands.

Bob: Janie, if they don’t use all of the strands, can you get the leftovers? Maybe Joe and I can start a hair restoration program.

Me: Sure. I’ll need to draw up a royalty agreement to my benefit.

Bob: Just bill it to El Patron.


They crack me up. Lord only knows what they think of me.


I came home, ran some errands, and later, freshened up my hair to go out. About 50 more strands came out with the comb. I may never comb my hair again, because I don't think I can stand the loss.


Welcome to Mi Vida Loca.

27 comments:

Ann's Rants said...

That is intense! Hope you get the job and that it's a good one after all that.

Sheesh!

Pam said...

Rebecca's gonna kill you. I want to be there when you go in...I'll bring my laptop so she can see the proof that you didn't do it yourself.

lani said...

Janie I would have had to say cant take the job my hair is so thin....I use about 700 products in the morning just to get it to stand up a little.....glad your back in action ....good luck with the job.....gad bless

Travis Erwin said...

I would have given them goatee hair.

♥ Braja said...

That is too weird for words....really....!

The Things We Carried said...

I am traumatized just reading!

Anonymous said...

Pee, fingerprints, now hair. The next level for pre-job security testing - nipple prints! Surely they must have some kind of secret that an employer would want to know! That's just ridiculous.

Snooty Primadona said...

OMG! I had no idea they did that for drug testing. They better give you that job now! They sound like just your kind of group...

Hey, I just gave myself another really bad haircut & the only one I can blame is me. Yup.

Chatelaine said...

I've done the fingerprints and urine tests before, but never the hair. As much money as I spend on my hair each month, I swear I would have refused to let them touch my head.

I'd totally be a brat and make them do it the other way :)

i beati said...

That's a first for me but I recently went for a job where they wanted me to pay for the background check. I went in one door and out the other..sandy I'm imagining you with bare spots hahahahah

♥georgie♥ said...

LOL...I am sorry typically i dont laugh at hair loss...well except my vain husbands...

LOVED the convo you had going on

Suzy said...

Jeez Louise, that is some drug test. I have thin hair too and the two stripes would've made me look like a skunk.

Geo said...

Does this mean you may be moving to another city? Say it ain't so!

You can't leave us. (Sniff) How can we survive without you? (Sob)

Oh well, do what's best for you. (Sniffle) Never mind us. (Boo hoo)

We'll get by ... somehow. (WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH)

A Mom on Spin said...

I knew you'd come back fighting!

Congrats on the offers!

Gwynne said...

Wow! That is a LOT of hair! I always thought they could test just one strand. Did they actually COUNT out 120?! Good luck with getting the job. I knew it wouldn't take long for the offers to roll in. You're a keeper! :-)

SSP said...

that much hair on both sides would leave me looking like a punk rocker...i could stand the rest up in the middle like a mohawk. I have THIN hair...so i wanna know how they do this to bald guys??? THEN do they take it from the pubes or what??

Warped Mind of Ron said...

120 strands of hair?!? OMG they might get 40 or 50 off my entire head!! I would be in the stirrups after that! LOL... I don't think they would be paying a tester enough to work on that day.

Far Side of Fifty said...

Well I have lots of hair and i don't let just anyone touch it.I would have donated arm pit hair tho..
You are very brave, hopefully the test can remain on record JUST IN CASE another company wants the same test done..good Lord you could be bald in no time:)

Jennifer and Sandi said...

You best get the job after all that. You have enough DNA out there for your life time!

Gretchen said...

Your hair?? ACKKK!! I could never go through that just for a job. Hope it all works out for you!

Snappy Di said...

FIrst... for some reason you are not appearing in my reader... really sucks since now I miss your posts..... promise to catch up on them today.

Oh, and about the hair thing.. are you serious?? They actually cut chunks out? NO WAY... I am never going to work again if that's what 'getting a job' has come down to. I have no probs with the peeing in a cup, but damn! Leave my hair alone!!!!

End of rant
Di

Vodka Mom said...

oh my God. Hair? HAIR??

Is this job in some sort of wig factory????

Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt said...

Yikes! Better be a good job ;)

Coffee with Cathy said...

Oh. My. Goodness. I never knew they needed so much hair for a hair test. You are one brave woman!

anymommy said...

Oh my. You must really want this job. Wish I could send you some of my hair, it's so freaking thick it gives me a headache.

darsden said...

OMG ...I have NEVER heard of such a thing! My Gosh Woman how far under cover you going is my question...must be highly classified for that inhuman treatment!

Hope it's the job you really Really want!
hope you get it too :-)

Joanie M said...

They take the hair because they can tell if you've been taking drugs in the past. Geez, doesn't anyone watch CSI?