Sunday, May 3, 2009

Mattress Sandwich

Elder Son was in the area, roping with friends, and jumped truck at Lubbock.  So, Thursday night found us picking him up there, and bringing him home for the weekend.  We tarried too long, and got home to Midland around midnight.  Then we picked up a bit for the housecleaners, and went to bed.

Unbeknownst to me, ThatManILove had gone on a cleaning of the bedroom spree earlier that day.  Our bed - a Big Huge California King Sleigh Bed - was pulled out from the wall. I commented on such, and TMIL confessed to tackling the dust demons under and behind the bed.  (Such things are obviously beyond our house cleaners, but I digress.)


We pushed the bed back up against the wall, and got in bed.  Immediately, Zack the Wonderdog jumps in the bed, and demands to be “under his blankie.”  (Which is, by the way, a blanket on top of our comforter.)  This action places him right around where my knees go in the bed.  


And, voila!  Zack snuggles down in the bed, deep mooooaaaannnns of delight, and immediately starts snoring.


ThatManILove looks at me, and says, “Need me to move Zack?”  I tell him no, that I’ll move over closer to him.  I snuggle up to him for a second, then tell him, “Wait.  This isn’t going to work.  I have to be able to stick my foot out of the bed if it gets warm.”


(I know.  Don’t even say it.  That’s what hormones do to you when you’re my age.)


So, I skooch back over to my side of the bed, and we move Zack to the middle.  He never wakes up.  We lay back down.


And immediately hear this weird deep moaning sound.  Loud.  Louder. And then the moan escalates, both in volume and up an octave or two.  We’re looking at Zack, then realizing it’s not him, at each other.  I’ve got chill bumps on my arms.  Do we have a freakin’ ghost? Is Zanna having a bad dream?  Oh, Lord!  Is the air conditioner kicking the bucket?   (You’d be amazed at the thoughts that shoot through your brain in a second or two)


And then...



HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING SQUEAL!  followed by a 


BAMMMMMMM!  


CRASHHHH!


BOOM!



The.


Bed.


Cratered.


Oh, yes it did.


And all three of us - ThatManILove, Zack, and myself - all roll into a Deep V that now suffices for what was our top mattress.


I immediately start giggling.  ThatManILove - cussing.  


And Zack?  Still snuffling and snoring away.  He doesn’t even wake up.


Thank God Elder Son was around.  We have one of those Denver Mattresses, and baby, a California King top mattress ain’t light.  Especially when two of you...the mother and son two of you...are laughing so hard you can't stand up.


We moved the upper mattress to determine the extent of the damage.  Guess what supports a California King Denver Mattress, under the twin box springs?


Three 2X2 slats.  Screwed into the frame.  And attached to each of them, one 3X3 leg. Two of which had bent when ThatManILove went into his cleaning frenzy,  causing the bed to lose support and the slats to break in half.


We wedged them back up, supported them (with all those books I’ve promised you I’d give away on this blog), put the mattress back on and ThatManILove went back to sleep.


That was a miracle in itself - but I finally quit laughing long enough to go to sleep myself.

27 comments:

Fragrant Liar said...

HA! That's a great story. I can imagine the two of you looking at each other for the source of the sound.

When we were teens, three or four of us laid on our stomachs across my parents big bed watching some scary movie, can't remember which one. But in a sudden scared-shitless moment, we all jumped and the bed broke beneath us as we landed. We still laugh hysterically about that.

Michelle said...

That is the most hilarious thing ever!!

Now, you need to watch for TML status update on FB! I sure hope he doesn't write something like:

WOOHOO what action we had the other night that the bed split in half, literally!!!!

WOOHOO!!

I'm just saying!!

I am also giggling!!!

King of New York Hacks said...

Get the video cam on so we can see it when those books crap out LOL Funny stuff.

The Blue Ridge Gal said...

How funny! I would have been laughing too as I stood there and watched Hubby fix the thing... We used to have a Cal King but I got tired of not being able to find the bedding I want for it so last time we just bought a King. We are tall, but King works fine, and the dogs we have now are not allowed in it... both are too lame to jump that high anyway, so we get the whole bed to ourselves.. YAY!

Di
The Blue Ridge Gal

Sandi said...

That is a classic! I am still laughing.

Foo said...

Normally, if you'd have told me, "We broke the bed," my response would be along the lines of "Now you're just bragging."

But you provided far too much exposition for that.

♥ Braja said...

Gives a whole new meaning to "crashing" for the night :))

Library girl said...

Hilarious!

midlifeslices said...

I would be laughing hysterically too and then I'd have to jump up and grab my camera to take a picture of the whole mess and post it here.

What's wrong wit you, girlfriend?? Pictures!!!!

Anonymous said...

OK - aside from the bed folding in half I find it most unfair that all you have to do is stick your foot out of the covers - girlfriend, I ditch the blankies, toss my pillow to the foot of the bed and have my face practically in the fan AND I'm right next to an open window!

just sayin'............
cherie.
ps - oh to be a fly on the wall at your place........

Joanie M said...

Hahahaha!!! Too funny! Guess we'll have to wait for those books, huh.

John and I broke my bed once. He was quite proud of that!

Dave King said...

Superb story, well told. Thanks.

thisisme said...

Ow - I hurt from laughing!!

Chatelaine said...

Lmao!

You could be a TV sitcom, Janie!

Pam said...

Glad to know I'm not the only one who sticks her feet out of the covers. Great that everyone's ok, would have given lots for a fly's eye view of the wreckage...

TexasRed said...

This is awesome! Definitely need to post about your evening when you break the bed *snicker*.

Soxy Deb said...

That's a visual I'll take with me the rest of the day!!
I had a similair expeience. But not really. I was sitting on our porch swing (that was mounted into the ceiling with industrial bolts and brackets - said the hubby) and I heard a creak then felt a BANG! I was then sitting on the porch floor. And the cat, I swear, was laughing at me.

I too am in need of a lef hanging out at night. Sure, they never promised me a rose garden, but they didn't tell me about the night hots either...

Warped Mind of Ron said...

LOL... and I bet wonderdog woke for none of that.

La Belette Rouge said...

FOMLOL( which means falling off my mattress laughing out loud)!!!!

Wunderwoman said...

That is too funny!! Wonder what your boy is telling his friends....hey my parents broke the bed the other night ROFLMAO

Jennifer and Sandi said...

Oh my...it does really happen! Fun post!!!

Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!

- Jennifer

Far Side of Fifty said...

Sure..good story..are you sure that the only action happening was you sticking your foot out to cool off? :)

Fresh Mommy said...

OMG, that is hilarious!!!! Love the way you told this story... I felt like I was there watching it happen. Although, that would be weird. But still, funny story!

:)

Jeanne said...

Say what you will, there's nothing like a good bed collapse to trigger uncontrollable laughter.

Snooty Primadona said...

OMG! That is too funny! But see, this is why I hate for the hubby to *help* around the house. There are just many things around the house they should not be messing with! Thank goodness elder son was there to help the old farts.

And hey... I have to stick a leg out at night too. Sounds perfectly normal to me.

i beati said...

funny !!

Drew G said...

Hilarious !!